by Sue Hawkes, CMEC

Are you someone that tends to pack your life full or even more specifically, TOO full?  If you are, I completely understand.  Since I live in the world of "what's possible" (hence my business' name - an ironic realization), this can be a concern. When the tasks add up, the deadlines cross one another and my attitude regarding all that I've said "yes" to starts to be less than "chipper," I struggle with all those possibilities.

What is the single most important thing you can do to be more effective, peaceful and fulfilled in your life? Being willing to say "no."

Now, I know that sounds simple, and for some people it is - I just wasn't one of those people and it was a huge limitation.  I found that from my unwillingness to do this, stemmed overwhelm, resentment and frustration.  For those of you that don't believe this is a challenge, congratulations!  For the rest of us, I'm offering my own experience and the practice I used in order to significantly shift my experience. 

Many years ago, I was asked to begin a daily practice as part of my coaching certification course.  At the time I had what I considered to be a very full life and was pretty challenged to actually enjoy “having it all."  I was anxious about what I could add - I just didn't see where I could add one more thing.

Have you ever had that experience?  For me, it felt like adding one more thing would be the final straw and I'd fall apart, so I stewed about it.  I was so worried about adding a small daily practice to my burdened schedule and then I committed to hosting the holiday dinner for my family. What was I thinking?

I so wanted to have the perfect holiday! And I just knew I could be the one to create it for my family. But my vision for how the holidays should be and how I actually experienced them was comparable to envisioning our family in the last scene of It's a Wonderful Life, but living through a horrific Christmas Vacation experience. 

To get ready for the party, I had to invite everyone, get RSVP's, clean the house, plan the meal, go grocery shopping, leave work early, cook and cook and cook and then clean up after the event (and on and on).  I began to feel overwhelmed and resentful but with no clear reason.  I actually thought it had something to do with other people!

What I hadn't realized, was that it really was about me. When I thought about it deeply, I found a whole host of reasons why  I said "yes," not only to hosting the holiday gathering, but to tons of other things as well.  I saw that I volunteered for most anything - in a group where a request was made, if the silence lasted more than 5 seconds, I said yes. I rarely considered what I else I was committed to do.  I almost never asked for help. And since I do truly enjoy helping others (but that's another blog), I let myself ignore the stress and feeling of being burdened.

When I realized what I had done to myself, I got it for the first time that  I had to reduce my commitments, not add more. I needed to learn to say "no."  It was such an easy answer but how in the world would I do it?  

Here's a practice that worked for me.  I hope it supports you well - I know it has mad a significant difference in my life.  It does takes practice, though - I still consciously and continuously do so. 

The practice of saying “no”

1. Notice your auto-responses.   For two weeks, practice noticing your automatic "yes" responses and with whom you respond automatically.  Notice any judgments you have about yourself or internal dialogue. Write down what you observe daily.
   
2. Now that you’ve started to notice your automatic responses, INTERRUPT. For two weeks (or longer), practice "non-immediate" responses.  Some suggestions:  “I’ll get back to you,” “let me think about that one,”  “I’ll call/e-mail you by _________ and let you know.” * Write down what you observe.
   
   * This will seem like you’re creating more work for yourself, but you’re NOT!
   
3. Before you get back to the person making a request of you, NOTICE. Use this exercise so you can tell what is really going on:
   By saying Yes to: ___________I’m also saying Yes to: _________ And I’m saying No to: _____________
   
   By saying No to: _____________ I’m saying Yes to: _________ And I’m saying No to: ____________
   (Keep going until you run out.)
   
4. If you think you might say yes, stop NOW and schedule all your other “yeses” into your calendar. Double-check the amount of time, effort and energy it will take to participate in each activity.  Now, look at your calendar and honestly evaluate; if you truly aren't burdening yourself by adding to your committments, then go ahead.
   
5. If you decide to say no, do so with no excuses or guilt. (If you experience guilt when saying “no,” journal about what you notice. Until the guilt dissapears, you may want to keep working on this practice.)
   

There's more than one use for the slogan "just say no."  Enjoy what happens.